If you want to golf with me, wear a hard hat »
Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News Though I’ve only been golfing a few times in my life, it was clear that my reputation had preceded me at the course last weekend. I know this because golfers immediately traded ball caps for hard hats, then scurried down into the sand bunkers like allied forces preparing for heavy fire. As [...]
When it comes to looking ahead, look no further than your behind »
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News You should be aware that the idea of promoting an important issue through a week of “National Awareness” has gotten plain silly. There was a time when, in order to command the attention of our entire country for a whole week, you actually needed to have an issue that was important—something [...]
Coaching kids starts with jelly donuts »
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not very athletic. I made this realization in the third grade, when I was knocked unconscious 32 times playing dodge ball. After that first game, I remember waking up in the nurse’s office and being told of a special program for “gifted” athletes who were so [...]
Sadly, flatulence no longer has a place at the airport »
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News As many of you know, I have a fear of flying. What many of you don’t know is that I also have a fear of being seen naked. Until now, I had the comfort of knowing there was almost no chance of both happening at once, unless I somehow ended up [...]
Attach a vacuum nozzle to your mammilla to show Mom you really care »
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News Soon, it will be Mother’s Day. For many of you, it means sending a flowery card that says all the wonderful things you’d say if only you had a thesaurus and someone from Hallmark breathing down your neck. The truth is, the true meaning of Mother’s Day has been lost over [...]
The bigger your lips, the sexier you’ll be to a sucker fish »
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News Nothing says “sexy” faster than someone with a pair of giant lips, even if that person’s collagen injections have made their lips so enormously seductive that they can’t actually pronounce the word “sexy,” and must instead settle for calling themselves “shek-shee.” The point is, big lips are no longer just a [...]
Coordination is the key when batting with a cucumber »
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News Flashback: May 2003 In order to help prepare my daughter for her first season of T-ball, we bought a mitt, ball, practice tee, and all the equipment necessary to get started on the basics. For obvious reasons, we saw no need to purchase an athletic cup—until I decided to advise her [...]
Mineral water could make CSI: Ashland hard to swallow »
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News As I’m sure you’ve noticed, police dramas involving any type of forensic investigation are still very popular. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this type of crime show, it’s when old-fashioned detective work — in combination with high-tech science — is conducted by really attractive people who would otherwise [...]
Take it from me: You can’t run from static electricity »
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News When I was a kid I had a book called Mysteries of the Unexplained that contained AMAZING BUT TRUE! stories aimed at stirring the imagination, eliciting a sense of wonder, and prolonging the bed-wetting experience by at least three years. I’d huddle beneath the covers with my flashlight and read about [...]
Angry fans diffused by Kobe Bryant sock puppet »
By Ned Hickson/Siuslaw News Like many of you, I’ve watched in utter disbelief as beverages are thrown at players during professional sporting events, leaving me to wonder: How could any self-respecting sports fan allow themselves to be seen on national television, in front of millions of viewers, wasting a seven-dollar beer? What is most disturbing, [...]
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